one more butterfly.

i can’t do this anymore. it hurts to much to breathe. i feel like everything i do is wrong. I'm sorry for being ignorant and immature. I want my molly. i want  to be loved, and not just in the best friend, brother, son way. i want physical affection. i want to be loved and love them back. i want someone i can talk to, and doesn't get upset if i call them to much. but what is too much? i want someone who likes the sound of my voice and not just because of my accent. i want someone, and I'm not going to get someone here. so… i just have to be patient i guess, and try not to kill myself.

Edgar- the salamander

HE IS SOOOO CUUUUUTE!

I found Edgar when i was walking my dog this morning. he was on the side walk and he was “dying” so i picked him up and took him home. took many pictures of him then set him free. i love you Edgar!!!!!!

it is time.

I have deactivated Facebook. why? partly because you piss me off and because i feel like i don’t need and will be better off without it. it isn’t a necessity. great weekend; i went kayaking and had a blast! we had a massive water fight, and i pushed my boss and the assistant manager into the water and got them soaked >.< we had a whale of a time. then we went back to boss mans house and had a barbeque and boss man asked me if i was interested in becoming a supervisor. i was like “yes of course i am!!!!!”  then he told me that he was going to put up a sheet for people to sign up then we have an interview and he picks the best person for the job. I'm really excited, i think i have a really good chance of getting the position. getting the position would give me extra responsibilities and no doubt a pay rise! and probably more hours. I'm really excited. tomorrow is the dance, in which i am also excited for. but for now i will read, think of you, and eventually fall asleep. goodnight blogger.

if i was a cat, I’d be dead.

i would really love to delete Facebook, and not have a Skype. so that people would have to call me if they wanted to talk to me or write me a letter, but i know no one will call me and I’ll only get letters from one person. so i think it would be more upsetting if i did delete these forms of communications with the outside world, so i won’t. the other thing is the curiosity that you may have replied to my message i sent you a week ago, you still haven’t and you have been on Facebook multiple times since. so chances are you deleted the message, and forgot about me. so this guy here still aimlessly goes on Facebook and Skype to see if anyone wants to talk to me, hoping that someone commented on my status or at least liked it, and wishing for a number other than zero in the little red speech bubbles on the top left hand side of the page. i have a sad sad life. je suis aller kayak demain, je suis tres excite. je suis tres fatigue mais  je ne peut pas dormir. je souhaite tu serait parler avec moi, je tu manques.   maybe that made sense maybe it didn’t. i like talking french even though i am no good at it >.<

i listen to this when I’m sad. i think you should too :)

let’s try this.

hmm. i think this might work, and make me feel better. i was “tumbling” and i found this “thing” its a set of instructions for when you feel like cutting yourself. usually i ignore the urge and i bottle it up and then at a later date the bottle explodes and shit goes down. so now every time I feel the need to cut myself instead of bottling it up or waiting for someone to come online so i can talk to them, I'm going to draw a butterfly in sharpie on my wrist and give it a name of someone i love. that way i wont want to cut myself because i will be killing the butterfly as for the names it makes it more personal. so maybe. this will work. I’m feeling pretty good about it right now.

I’ve got It

i will get a diploma in photography and then I'll run away and join the circus.!.

 

if.

right now i feel as though my life revolves around the word “If” and i dislike it. “If” shouldn’t even be considered a word, it is just two letters, a pathetic little word that seems to control my life.

If i get accepted into the centre of arts and technology i will probably be staying with my psychic friend or in residence.

If i can get over my nervousness i may have a shot at applying for several scholarships.

If my talent is any good i may have a shot at life..

there are more “If’s” but i don’ feel like writing them all down…to much effort.

what i will write though is that, according to my mum, me being a photographer isn’t going to get me anywhere in life. there are too many photographers and ill just end up wasting all this money on a hobby. my grandad and her are even trying to convince me to do something else. what else can i do? i lack self esteem. the only thing i believe i am remotely good at is photography; and that isn’t going to get me anywhere. i could try writing but my writing is at a high school level and nowhere near a university level. English teacher is an option. but I'm pretty sure my 76% average in English isn't going to get me accepted. i lack the ability of science so that cancels a lot out. and trades…you cant see me doing trades. i could try modeling…but i aint good looking. dancer? got no rhythm. cook – it would either be raw or burnt. baker/ cake decorator – I'm not one to follow in my mother’s footsteps. stripper? still not “hot” enough. other options are working at a shop or restaurant for the rest of my days. bah. like that will happen. I'm clueless. I'm interested in bartending but i don't think you can go to university for that. it is my dream to go to Uni. i really want to go to university and get a degree or a diploma. that i will do. but in what…

BLANKET FORT PICTURES!!!!!

these two were the only decent ones!. but this is my epic blanket fort!!!

RIP?

Dear Molly,

   its been three weeks, i take it you’re not coming back. I just want to let you know how much i love you and i will miss you. you meant everything to me. I remember in grade 8 i got into an argument over cats versus dogs, i told my friends that i would die if you were to run away. well I’m dying. but its okay, you’re in a better place now…aren't you? i love how you were so relaxed. i love how you would sit and stare at me for hours on end. i love how you were always up for petting. i love how you didn't freak out when we bought you to Canada. i love how when we had staring contests you always let me win by winking at me. i love how your sandpaper tongue licked my wrists when i brushed you.i love how you would ferociously attack me when i would pet your belly. and i love how you attacked my ankles when i walk down the stairs. i love how you didn't give a fuck. i love how you would lie on my bed and expect me to lie around you when i fall asleep. i love how gentle you were with my puppy. and how you would hide behind things and jump out on him when he walked by. i love how photogenic you were. and i love how you would pose for the camera. i love how you would immediately greet me when i walked in the house (some days). i love the colours of your fur and how unique you are. basically i love everything about you.

i miss you Molly, i really do. i just hope you’re not suffering in any kind of way. love you to the moon and back a thousand times.

                                 Sherlock.