Walking bare feet in the snow feels far warmer than the looks you give me these days.

what do i say to that?

alone.

kay this being alone on holidays thing isn’t working out for me I’m not gonna be alone on new years eve or new years day cuz i have to work. but i swear if i am alone on valentines day i am going to kill something.

it shouldn’t be like that should it. (what have i done) when i ask you out you shouldn’t have to think about. well you are going to give me an answer before 2012. i hope its an answer that will make me smile (shit i have put myself in a stupid situation.) it probably isn’t but my magic 8 ball said that you would say yes. so maybe.

okay that was stupid. I didn’t get my photoshoot the woman never called back. so. i got all worked up over nothing.

i hate cooking. no i like it. i do. i just hate getting in the mood to cook something and realize you only have half of the ingredients. its stupid.

hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m so difficult. and confusing. and one minute i want this and the next minute i change my mind. one minute i am super happy next minute i am depressed. is this bipolar disorder? i looked at the symptoms and i have most of them. sooo. not going to assume anything, if i am my dr would tell me right|? i hate doctors and counsellors. i probably shouldn’t lie to them should i? oh well.

i got new deoderant and it smells different and really good. you can’t smell it right now, but when you next smell it you will love it. i do

this is a long blog post about kind of nothing.

oh i have lots of books, so i will read.

P.s. did it really fucking shock you when i told you i was thinking about you? i do. quite a lot.

grr

ah.

yeh Christmas eve might of been, perhaps the worse night in a couple of months. i might of done something regrettable. but thats the past. christmas day was okay. we watched about 3 movies. I now really dislike tom felton. but he is sooo gah. kay, my brother got a justin bieber CD. lol i thought i was the queer one…. anyway. feeling pretty good. got an e reader. from my dad. then found out my mum had ordered one too…this could be awkward. so now i have to choose between them. my mums is purple…lol. can i have both? I will eventually have enough books probably. hah. whatever, i see you have a cell phone, guess what. i don’t really want it. do you know what. i don’t even want to date you. just kinda wanna make out and have a little sex. thats all. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK. horny teen over here okay… i guess i will just have to wait. i hate waiting…okay. sooooo. i am not going to ever spend Christmas eve alone ever again. it was really painful. tomorrow is my photoshoot. hopefully. kinda nervous. oh well i get money and experience out of it. so wish me luck!!!!! well, peace out. gotta go drink some tea.

panic attack over.

so my client called me just now to say that her daughter was running late. i told her that if she isn't going to be here by 5 we are going to get some terrible pictures. so we decided to do it on boxing day. that gives me time to go downtown get some special CD's for the prints and to breathe. also. the book bar is having a sale!!!!!!!!! i just got a paycheck :) woooo. i can breathe. christmas tomorrow :/ gotta wake up early and walk to my dads house. not excited. i got him a crock pot.lol i think i am going to give him that and something else. lol that was a bit mean.i lost my brothers christmas present. and i only have half of my mums. so Thomas didn't do very well this Christmas. there has been so much on my mind. oh yeh. one of my favourite fish died today. stripe. may you rest in peace. and before you tell me i'm a bad fish keeper. just stop. i did try my best. This past couple of weeks i was the best fish owner ever. yeh i joke around and told you i forgot to feed them. but i didn't i was just joking. so yeh. :( kinda sad, really happy. super excited. still a little worried. but i got this.

oh my goodness.

this is it. i have found it. mind you i didn’t need to look very far. Photography. you are all like durrr. but seriously. i love it. I love the sound of the shutter when i take the pictures. i love people smiling even if it is fake. i love seeing the pictures captured in my camera. i love looking at the pictures after its done. i love playing with the contrast and making it look AWESOME. i love forgetting the pictures and seeing them a couple of months down the road and feeling my jaw drop on how awesome i think they are. this is it. i have a photoshoot this afternoon. a million things went wrong. like running out of ink and not being able to print off the model release forms. ohh well. i am getting paid for this!!!!! should be fun. i will upload some pictures when i do print off the form and they sign it. just slightly freaking out. but whatever i have done this a thousand times with family and friends. i got this!!!

oh.

looks i like a will be spending christmas eve alone…but its okay, i am going to go on a LONG walk with my dog, pick up supplies for making people things. and i am going to get lost. while i am lost maybe i will find happiness. I’ am really sad now. why did you have to do that? “Oh yeh my parents said i could come, but I’m not going to.” Thanks you kinda broke me right there. fuck. i am wiped. 11 hours of work today. ready to go to bed. but i can’t. because i feel sick to the stomach. mrow.

find something i love

i have been told to find something i love to do…alone.

I am going to try and perfect my cooking. I can do it.

I am going to make people presents. RANDOMNLY

I am going to read my tarot cards more often. for the hell of it.

I am going to read. ALL the books.

I am going to write. in my new note book.

I am going to sing. to my favourite songs.

I am going to listen to music. when i am in my room.

mrow.

fun?

I don’t know what to think. my job has gotten a hell of a lot worse. i used to love working, i would get excited for work, but now i dread it. i dread everything. i feel lonely all the time, even when i am surrounded by the best of friends. i still feel incredibly lonely. i don’t want to feel lonely anymore. i want. i want. i want. i want a lot of things but you don’t always get what you want. do you.

that was disappointing.

well. first off. pink wrapping paper? what are you on? it was shiny I’ll give you that but whatever. okay

secondly. i thought. i was actually ill or something. but no. blood tests came back and I’m fine. I have over the average amount of vitamin D, and everything else was normal. so i don’t have depression. i don’t have a mental illness. I’m just sad. truthfully i wanted to have depression just so i could blame it on something. but no. I’m just sad. and that makes me. really sad.

so my mum is staying for Christmas, she has a friend round. if anyone else is lonely you can come round too.  or come round anyway. likely i’ll still be lonely just with someone. gah.

still sick. i really dislike being sick.

broken flute is fixed BTW

christmas presents are not one to procrastinate. but i do anyway. they are nearly done though.

oh shit writing assignment due tomorrow. maybe i should start it… looks like another all nighter.

Tomorrow Makayla is coming over, i am moving into my sisters room and dying my hair. surprise surprise.

i think i work too much/ because when i don’t work. i don’t know what to do with myself.

well enjoy the long blog post. I’ll be on skype if you wanna laugh or shout or talk or something… rant to me. or ask me questions, i like question games. well au revoir.

point?

I don’t see the point in staying up this late anymore. you are offline. no one is online. i’m just staring at a blank screen. well not so blank. but you get the jyst of it. i bought my grad suit today. i look fucking sexy!!!  well. i accidently thought about you a lot today. i probably shouldn’t of…Jenny is gone now. well until june, then she may or may not come back. nearly done my xmas presents. I’m such a fail at them… grawr… don’t want to go to school tomorrow. but i will because you are there. oh my god i am so tired i am not even looking at the screen when i write this my eyes are closed. wow i am pretty food at writing with my etes cloesed maybe i should do it more often. not so food that tme… og well. lol, me fail. not to bad though. Thomas go to bed. okay. goodnight,

phew

things are getting better. wow. i sound bipolar on this blog. i get my blood tests back on thursday. :/ breathe. i like the words inhale and exhale/. that is all.

colon and a closing bracket

i want you to talk to me right now. just say “hey” like you do. it would still make me smile. it always does.  but you’re not going to are you. its okay really.

thanx

Thanks for the offer guys, but you have families too. even if your families aren’t there either, i really don’t know what to say.  i don’t know what to do. I would be better off alone, so maybe i should be. i may be over reacting. but i don’t give a fuck. clearly i haven’t killed myself yet so I’ll be fine.

I’m so dramatic. I’m so over reacting. I’m so self conscious about the way  i feel right now. fuck

shoulda saw that coming.

If I’m not at school tomorrow. you will find me in my room. a rope tied around my neck and me hanging from my light. stupid thing about that is my light wouldn’t support my weight. i guess I’m just stupid. I’ll just hide now.

I’m sooooo tired of this. It’s soooo stupid. happens every time. I’m sick. sick of working. sick of school. sick of all the excitement over christmas. sick of life i guess.

I HATE CHRISTMAS

i hate it. well this christmas mostly. first one without my cat. first one without my sister. first one without my dad. first one without my brother. just me and mum. but she might go somewhere to celebrate it. I’ll spend christmas alone with my dog. I asked my boss if i could work. but AW isn’t open :/

FUCK

as if this happened again.

really?!?! you're kidding me right? i don't think this can get anymore perfect. squee.
i don't know what to say.
i don't know what to do.
all i know is that.
I think i'm in love with you.

don't you worry, I'll wait for you. :)

i really don't want to wait any longer. so i don't think i will. see you tomorrow?

well. I am going to start this blog post with saying. "i no longer want to kill myself." -yay!!! well. so much has happened. first of all. I am happy :) okay. so winter formal was great. i could of danced with you forever, but as you said. everyone was staring, but cuddling with you on the couch was just as great!!! I want to ask you out, but at the same time i am worried too, not because i don't think you would say yes, and not because i am worried about what people will think or say. but because every relationship where i have asked, it basically went to shit. no offence, or anything. but seriously. they have. and if we were to date, it isn't going to be a summer fling, a weekend fuck(although that would be nice :P) no i want something that would last longer than a couple of months, no i don't really want forever. maybe. the word forever scares me, because well you have to be really committed and i'm sporadic, very sporadic. anyway. i really like you :) i really really really like you. erm. what else happened that is worth mentioning...this morning i was thinking about all my accomplishments, and i was like. "Thomas you are an idiot for thinking you are useless, i mean look at everything you have done." "I mean you are graduating a year earlier than you should be, you are 16 and a supervisor at AW, you moved across the world and lost every friend you ever made aside for one. you also made new ones!. you have more than 5 pictures published in a magazine, you won a short story competition and got an amazing reward. might i also mention the number of solo's you get in band. And yeh you might have had a little accident and as llary would say. "you imploded." that has only made you more stronger. or it was the zoloft that made you stronger...anyway. Thomas you are great. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you too.! " that was my internal monologue this morning while i was showering. thought i'd share...there happy Jacob>?

squee

ZOHMYGOD

I have been so ecstatic the past few days. i have nothing to say.

needs serotonin desperately :(

fuck life

I’m so mad at myself. i broke a promise last night, it was an extremely important promise that i not only made to my counsellor and my doctor i also made it to my mum and the majority of my friends.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck I’m sorry …

love?

how come i can blow up 20 balloon without any of them exploding, and the one heart balloon i blow up, explodes after three huffs.

omen? i think so. clearly love hates me and i aint gunna find love. gah here i go being all pessimistic and down and what not. but WHATEVER. I dont need love. oh but i do, i need it bad.

bang and it could all go away. just like that balloon, clearly it had enough and boom, its remains were scattered in the living room. so i’m back with a counsellor at school, but only when i need it. so likely monday i’ll go make an appointment…

…

hmmm.

Its nice to know you guys care?

I don’t really know what to say. I’m in a good mood. I think. I don’t want  to do my homework. I like talking to you. BAM I had four grilled cheese sandwiches today.  AND I’m listening to Stacy’s mom – fountains of wayne! BEST SONG EVER

surprised?

well. i thought my brain would be a pile of mush after the three writing workshops that i attended on Sunday. but, surprisingly not. i wrote a poem after the workshop and i wrote an amazing one this morning at about 6:00am. i would share them. but I’m feeling self conscious about them << that's a first. well anyway. short blog post. have a nice day.

This a blog.

Bam, another post. whurrrt. Epic adventure with Sierra and Makayla. TROLOLOLOL what was that. a smile? why yes it was.

*sigh of relief*

i have been the happiest i have been in a long time recently. i like this emotion. i like sitting in class and smiling. i like smiling. and laughing at nothing. and i like talking to you. i like you

well.

let’s not go after that one then…

and breathe

okay so i have had time to calm down. sorry about that >< i was really upset that someone would break into my locker steal my belongings then break it, and lose it. i have every right to be fuming.

today was pretty good. lunch and writing class were the best! I LOVE CHEESECAKE!!!!!!!!  here is a shout out to the amazing girl who makes my day by bringing me cheesecake. ILU  writing class is awesome. this year we have some amazing people that like reading there stuff out loud and i like that. I also like the way you look at me and smile. i like that. i like that a lot. i like eating cheesecake and listening to the sound of your voice, i like that too.

i like coming home and finding out that my best friend, has applied for a residence visa in Canada and is more than likely moving here in August. i like that. i like pretty people, and people that talk lots. i like rain. i really like rain. i like taking pictures and having pictures taken of me. i like loaning out books, and having people tell me about how much they liked it. i like talking about characters and getting into arguments about which character is better and why. i realise that i like a lot of things. and i like that. i like warm showers with clothes on.  i think i like being wet in general

i like that emoticon. it looks cute. i hope all goes well at the vets today! i like my dogs, Sparky and Ruuqo. i also like gazing at my fish tank. okay, here are some pictures. the amazing Sierra Franklin took them. of me. don’t steal these. i will find you and curse your family :P  look on her blog!  http://whatliesbehindgreeneyes.blogspot.com/

what do you think? isn’t Sierra AMAZING at PHOTOGRAPHY

Zoh my god!

i have been meaning to blog for what feels like forever. but i just haven't got around to it, mainly cos time is something i lack.

current mood: fuck, if this year doesn’t end soon it is going to end me. i am so tired of everything going wrong. it may be the way i am thinking, but i haven't been thinking like this all year, only recently after the events that have happened. Seriously. I am tired of it. oh BTW we are taking sparky- my dog down to the vets in a couple of hours because she is sick. someone went into my locker and broke my fountain pen- this fountain means a lot, my dad bought it for me when he went back to England. that kind of means a lot to me- who the fuck goes into peoples lockers anyway? not only that they haven't returned it either. fuck. scratch magazine better arrive soon and word fest better be good, or there will be higher consequences to pay. I'm going to run out of room for butterflies…in other words. FUCK

do you know what, i want to write something happy here. but i can’t think of it. i am on my last straw with you, you are driving me insane!. and you, i cant wait to take pictures of you-i guess that is exciting, and you- i am so excited to see you, you touch you, i haven’t had a hug from you in over 2 years. less than a year now. i love you!

think positive think positive. not working…

change?

that was the original title of my blog, but i got distracted. so i decided not to blog today. here is a picture, or a few. they are all black and white. taken on the same day!

bam. shooting star.

i wish to be free.

from the chains you tied me in,

from the cell you locked me in

i wish to be free

i wish for you

not you, this is a different you,

a you that makes my knee’s weak,

a you with a phenomenal smile.

a you that is not you, because you are no longer a part of my life

but you are.

here you go.

here are a couple of pictures from an epic adventure with a pretty cool new friend i made.

life is good.

i don’t generally rant about how good life is. mainly cos i like basking in the moment. but i will tell you right now (if you have read perks of being a wallflower you will get this.)

I FEEL INFINITE!

Gorgeous

This is the beautiful Elisha.

AAAAAH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

[insert really deep reason as to why i am screaming? squeeing? here]

pink day?

|why did i not wear pink on pink day? it’s not because i don’t have any pink clothes, i have a perfectly fine pink t-shirt. no. in my many years of high school i have decided that pink day is just a day where bullies go all out wearing pink as if they are repenting their sin’s.

don’t get me wrong i know not everyone who wears pink is a bully, and some people actually mean it when they wear pink.  I’m just talking about the people who have bullied me.

Since grade three i have been bullied, i was teased, i had my lunch stolen. i was never physically beaten up it was always more of a mental/verbal type thing. so i changed school. i eventually changed country.

still i was bullied. might i add it got considerably worse when i came to Canada, i was introduced to a new word. faggot. grade seven was a hard year. i finally got to the high school and i thought it would be better because of pink day. i thought there was no bullying because of all the people who wore pink. boy was i wrong.

i have tried to repress many of my memories of being bully but one always comes back to haunt me.

it was grade eight gym class, we were playing basket ball. i was sitting on the bench when a bunch of guys, there was about six of them came up to me. it was nearly the end of class, and that net thing was pulled across the gym. the teachers were on the other side. these boys came up to me and surrounded me, my back was against the wall. they shoved their crotches in my face and told me to suck their lollipops. then they kept tormenting me until we were told to get changed. there has been many of these types of incidents but the one thing that struck me the most is that…

These guys were the ones who dressed the most flamboyantly on pink day. they wore their sister’s pink tank tops and pyjama pants and pink cowboy hats. it made me sick. it still does.

i honestly think it is wrong to bully someone then go to school on pink day and pretend it never happened.

something is definitely wrong in this equation, i think all this anti bullying campaigning is wonderful. but it doesn't work. instead of trying to stop the bullying i think we need to be more supportive to the victims.

Bullying will never end. it is everywhere. and it always will be.

one more butterfly.

i can’t do this anymore. it hurts to much to breathe. i feel like everything i do is wrong. I'm sorry for being ignorant and immature. I want my molly. i want  to be loved, and not just in the best friend, brother, son way. i want physical affection. i want to be loved and love them back. i want someone i can talk to, and doesn't get upset if i call them to much. but what is too much? i want someone who likes the sound of my voice and not just because of my accent. i want someone, and I'm not going to get someone here. so… i just have to be patient i guess, and try not to kill myself.

Edgar- the salamander

HE IS SOOOO CUUUUUTE!

I found Edgar when i was walking my dog this morning. he was on the side walk and he was “dying” so i picked him up and took him home. took many pictures of him then set him free. i love you Edgar!!!!!!

it is time.

I have deactivated Facebook. why? partly because you piss me off and because i feel like i don’t need and will be better off without it. it isn’t a necessity. great weekend; i went kayaking and had a blast! we had a massive water fight, and i pushed my boss and the assistant manager into the water and got them soaked >.< we had a whale of a time. then we went back to boss mans house and had a barbeque and boss man asked me if i was interested in becoming a supervisor. i was like “yes of course i am!!!!!”  then he told me that he was going to put up a sheet for people to sign up then we have an interview and he picks the best person for the job. I'm really excited, i think i have a really good chance of getting the position. getting the position would give me extra responsibilities and no doubt a pay rise! and probably more hours. I'm really excited. tomorrow is the dance, in which i am also excited for. but for now i will read, think of you, and eventually fall asleep. goodnight blogger.

if i was a cat, I’d be dead.

i would really love to delete Facebook, and not have a Skype. so that people would have to call me if they wanted to talk to me or write me a letter, but i know no one will call me and I’ll only get letters from one person. so i think it would be more upsetting if i did delete these forms of communications with the outside world, so i won’t. the other thing is the curiosity that you may have replied to my message i sent you a week ago, you still haven’t and you have been on Facebook multiple times since. so chances are you deleted the message, and forgot about me. so this guy here still aimlessly goes on Facebook and Skype to see if anyone wants to talk to me, hoping that someone commented on my status or at least liked it, and wishing for a number other than zero in the little red speech bubbles on the top left hand side of the page. i have a sad sad life. je suis aller kayak demain, je suis tres excite. je suis tres fatigue mais  je ne peut pas dormir. je souhaite tu serait parler avec moi, je tu manques.   maybe that made sense maybe it didn’t. i like talking french even though i am no good at it >.<

i listen to this when I’m sad. i think you should too :)

let’s try this.

hmm. i think this might work, and make me feel better. i was “tumbling” and i found this “thing” its a set of instructions for when you feel like cutting yourself. usually i ignore the urge and i bottle it up and then at a later date the bottle explodes and shit goes down. so now every time I feel the need to cut myself instead of bottling it up or waiting for someone to come online so i can talk to them, I'm going to draw a butterfly in sharpie on my wrist and give it a name of someone i love. that way i wont want to cut myself because i will be killing the butterfly as for the names it makes it more personal. so maybe. this will work. I’m feeling pretty good about it right now.

I’ve got It

i will get a diploma in photography and then I'll run away and join the circus.!.

 

if.

right now i feel as though my life revolves around the word “If” and i dislike it. “If” shouldn’t even be considered a word, it is just two letters, a pathetic little word that seems to control my life.

If i get accepted into the centre of arts and technology i will probably be staying with my psychic friend or in residence.

If i can get over my nervousness i may have a shot at applying for several scholarships.

If my talent is any good i may have a shot at life..

there are more “If’s” but i don’ feel like writing them all down…to much effort.

what i will write though is that, according to my mum, me being a photographer isn’t going to get me anywhere in life. there are too many photographers and ill just end up wasting all this money on a hobby. my grandad and her are even trying to convince me to do something else. what else can i do? i lack self esteem. the only thing i believe i am remotely good at is photography; and that isn’t going to get me anywhere. i could try writing but my writing is at a high school level and nowhere near a university level. English teacher is an option. but I'm pretty sure my 76% average in English isn't going to get me accepted. i lack the ability of science so that cancels a lot out. and trades…you cant see me doing trades. i could try modeling…but i aint good looking. dancer? got no rhythm. cook – it would either be raw or burnt. baker/ cake decorator – I'm not one to follow in my mother’s footsteps. stripper? still not “hot” enough. other options are working at a shop or restaurant for the rest of my days. bah. like that will happen. I'm clueless. I'm interested in bartending but i don't think you can go to university for that. it is my dream to go to Uni. i really want to go to university and get a degree or a diploma. that i will do. but in what…

BLANKET FORT PICTURES!!!!!

these two were the only decent ones!. but this is my epic blanket fort!!!

RIP?

Dear Molly,

   its been three weeks, i take it you’re not coming back. I just want to let you know how much i love you and i will miss you. you meant everything to me. I remember in grade 8 i got into an argument over cats versus dogs, i told my friends that i would die if you were to run away. well I’m dying. but its okay, you’re in a better place now…aren't you? i love how you were so relaxed. i love how you would sit and stare at me for hours on end. i love how you were always up for petting. i love how you didn't freak out when we bought you to Canada. i love how when we had staring contests you always let me win by winking at me. i love how your sandpaper tongue licked my wrists when i brushed you.i love how you would ferociously attack me when i would pet your belly. and i love how you attacked my ankles when i walk down the stairs. i love how you didn't give a fuck. i love how you would lie on my bed and expect me to lie around you when i fall asleep. i love how gentle you were with my puppy. and how you would hide behind things and jump out on him when he walked by. i love how photogenic you were. and i love how you would pose for the camera. i love how you would immediately greet me when i walked in the house (some days). i love the colours of your fur and how unique you are. basically i love everything about you.

i miss you Molly, i really do. i just hope you’re not suffering in any kind of way. love you to the moon and back a thousand times.

                                 Sherlock.