oh fuck…

Got into a fight with my mum yesterday. The fight started about me burning dinner then ended with me packing my bags and leaving. But I've finally done what the counsellor was trying to get me to do at the start. and that was to tell my mum that i was seeing a counsellor but the problem was… that really upset her. really.yeh i feel bad about how i told her. but when your upset and frustrated you don't really have much control over what you say.  i kind of don't know what to do right now. after i told her i didn't want to live in that house anymore, she told me to go live with my dad. (i don't get along with my dad at all) i said fuck that. and i walked out, i don't have a cell, so i walked to the school and used their Wi-Fi on my iPod touch to get in contact with my friend. i then went to her house and we went driving. meanwhile mum and dad were driving around trying to find me, and my sister was texting all of my friends asking them where i was. whatever. then at around midnight i show up at my dads house. no not house one bedroom apartment. and slept on the couch. and now I've stolen his bed and he is at work.

I'm stuck. what do i do?  i could stay here for a bit but eventually i will have to go back. i could go back now and apologise and stay. or i can go back pack all my stuff and run. i don't really want to run until i get my diploma. i don't want to stay at my dads one bedroom apartment, maybe i will for a couple more nights, until I've fully calmed down. then ill go back. You are probably reading this and thinking what a selfish pig i am. and i probably am. no i don't want to think i am. and i know i have problems but compared to others they are miniscule. maybe its because I'm weak and i cant handle life's problems or maybe its because i blow them out of proportion. i don't know. but what i do know is that life sucks. nothing good ever happens to people who are alive. you might think it does, you might think that winning the lottery was amazing but what did you have to do to get there what about when you blow all your money in one hit and now your homeless. you might think life is fantastic because you have the best friends that live close to you, but what happens when one of those friends move away. when most of your friends move away. what happens if one of those friends died.  you cant win at this game of life we play.  because eventually your playing piece will fall off the board and that's it. game over for you.

Am i being too pessimistic? maybe. yes. i hate being pessimistic. i could say. yes great. life is sooo awesome, because now i get to spend quality time with my father… but you’d all know i would be lying. its 1:48pm and i am going to fall back asleep before i write too much for you guys to read… fuck

This is a little out of date, but i wanted to see how epic windows live writer was…and its epicness cannot be described with words!

		The Tales of William Shakespeare VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

YOU. What’s your problem?

i guess that's why they invented alcohol. to avoid awkward video game parties. i really get the feeling of being loved when i’m around my friends. things like “noooooo Thomas is coming.” and “well im not picking him up.” are the things i hear in the background when i call to see where the party was. and then when i get there. YOU don't even say “hi” or “hey” or “what’ up.” you completely ignored me. completely. i was biting my tongue the entire time you were there, and then when you left there was  no goodbyes. dude that was the last time that i am going to see you for like three fucking months. everyone else who left gave out a couple of hugs to people and told them that they would be missed. but you, you get up off the couch.state the fact that you are leaving then leave. and as you walk up the stairs you shout. “goodbye everyone.”  maybe you react differently to different situations. maybe you got in your car and bawled your eyes out on your drive home. maybe your lying in bed regretting not saying a proper goodbye. maybe. or maybe your a heartless soul who plays video games, watches porn and works. 

hmmm, i wonder. there was someone else. someone who gave me an unexpected hug, someone who walked me out of the house, someone who wished me a safe walk home, and someone who smiled when i walked in. maybe just maybe. no Thomas get that out of your head!!!!!!!

in movies you always see the person who falls in love, you see the person who doesn’t like the person who fell in love with them, and then there is the person on the side. the perfect one, the one who likes the one who falls in love.  life is full of too many “what if’s”  and “maybe’s”

All i really know is that i am staying in Invermere for one more whole year, i will be staying with four of my best and quite possibly my only friends. those of which i will be going to school with. band is going to be really weird…wait no. school is going to be really weird, its going to feel empty. but i will survive. i have some pretty cool teachers on my schedule. i also have a nice linear spare. which is going to be my me time and if someone wants to join so be it, they can join me. i am going to attempt to read the inheritance cycle again. ad so when the fourth and final book comes out in November i wont have to rush and read them.  <<<gosh I'm so excited. I'm also quite excited for Pottermore. mainly so i can officially know what house I'm in, i kinda hope its ravenclaw or gryffindor.  no offence but i hope to god it aint hufflepuff.

A heart of skittles.

After a great night. full of super 8, owling, candy, shooting stars and being with a few of my best friends, and not thinking about you. you still manage to creep into my mind. as you always do. I'm done thinking about you, I'm fed up. i have had enough. its like, whenever i grab a glass of water i see your face standing beside me getting the ice cubes out of the freezer. whenever i sit in the passenger side of a car i see your face staring intently on the road as you drove in silence. whenever i lie down i see you putting on your glasses and lying down beside me and falling asleep. what is with you.

Why must you taunt me constantly, you don't even talk to me anymore,  you sit on Skype and when i say hi, I'm still waiting for a reply when you sign out and go offline.  we went boating and you didn't even try to start a conversation. you just stared out the side of a boat and when i talked you replied with one word answers. what happened, we used to stay up till 2 in the morning talking because we had so much to say to each other. and now the only words you reply with are… “yeh” and “mhmm” i understand your leaving. but not forever, you have Christmas break off, and your reading break. your only three hours away for Christ's sake. and your back in April.  what the hell. whatever maybe I'm not worth it, maybe i am really annoying as everyone has said. maybe you dread my phone calls like many others do, i don't call that often either, 4 times this month if i have counted right. and 2 of those were to ask if you would go running with me, and the other 2 was me organising the boating trip that you were really excited about.  or was you? can you fake emotions? probably…

And now I'm sitting here alone in my house, because my family is going to calaway park without me because i have to work. whatever, they will have so much more fun without me. they always do.  and guess what your on Skype, and I'm not going to talk to you, unless you talk to me first.  summer is officially over. as of today, i have no more summery plans, nothing left to look forward to other than school, and I'm dreading school. everyone leaves this week. but i have been told by my best friend that i need to forget them for now, so I'm not miserable when i spend times with the friends that stayed. <<paraphrased. yeh.

whatever, i really don't need you, i mean at first you were someone i could tell everything to, and i did over time (maybe that was the problem.) at first you were my best friend and i was yours. i remember how i felt when a broken sparrow told me, that you told her i was one of your best friends. it bought the biggest smile to my face.  at first you were an inspiration. an inspiration to eat healthy, to exercise, to do well in school. you were good at all of those. i remember feeling proud of myself when i ate breakfast, lunch and dinner for a whole month, i remember feeling proud of myself when i gained around 10lbs, i remember feeling proud of myself when i could do 10 pull ups, 5 less than you. but now, i haven't eaten a healthy meal in forever. i haven't eaten breakfast in a month, i haven't eaten dinner in a week, and i haven't eaten lunch in forever. I've only eaten when i worked at the dub. and there i only ate a burger or two.  i haven't gotten any exercise, i walk to work and that's about it. the only runs i have gone one have been the runs you took me on. i haven't been working out, doing insanity at all. and as for school… lets hope i don't quit at that too. its not just you though. this lack of motivation is from others as well, others that should be much closer to me. these others put me down at everything i do.  but whatever. i thought i loved you, i guess it was just a feeling. a feeling that no longer exists.

gah.

this year has been a riot. i got mass amounts of partying in. fell in love, fell out of love, missed someone. missed loads of people and that will continue to happen forever. hurt myself, hurt someone else. cried, laughed, so much awesomeness has happened this year. what the hell is going to happen next year. truth be told. I'm scared. I'm really scared for grade 12. all that applying for universities and scholarships. and a whole year of doing fun things with your grade only to all depart and go separate ways at the end.  it is quite intimidating. but what's even worse is that this time next year, I'm going to be packing my bags and getting ready to leave, to leave far away from home for long periods of time. to eventually leave home permanently. its all coming way to fast. i reckon second semester its going to really hit me. hit me so hard that ill fall over. when i think of the future i can only think of the stories my mum tells me about how she lost contact with all her high school friends but one. how they all moved on and forgot her and how she forgot them. i understand that we now have Facebook and Google+ but 10 years from now are you going to remember me.and am i going to remember you?  but that one that she stayed in contact with was her best friend. will i keep in contact with my best friends. or will i be to busy with my own life to pick up the phone and dial their numbers. and if i do, will they be too busy to answer? who knows. i guess all we can do is hope for the best. meh. wish me luck. and good luck to you!

yeh i said that...

fuck you for saying that.
fuck you for leaving.
fuck you for not being there
fuck you for everything else

why dont you trust me?
why dont you stay?
why dont you come to me?
why dont you like me?

fuck the world is all that needs to be said.
fuck the world and all who is in it
fuck the world for breaking me down
and fuck me for being who i am!

DONT GO. that is all i have to say.

i figure i should tell someone this...

just to let you know. if you happen to be drinking invermere tap water and you taste a bit of me and/or another guy. we went for a long run and it was really really really hot so we took a quick dip in a lake. which just so happens to be the very same lake that invermere gets its water from...lol but its okay. i have been told that i taste good ><

laugh out loud,

okay. so funny thing.
my whole name is : Thomas James Sydney Clare.
right?
wrong. that is my whole name in England. when i came to Canada they shortened one of my middle names so it can fit on my permanent residency card. so from here on. i shall be known as
Thomas James Sy Clare. because it was shortened on my permanent res, it is also shortened on my drivers license... stupid canadian hillbillies... lol

its not what you think

dear mysterious girl who is considering asking met out,
your friend came up to me and asked me what i think of you. i told her i liked you, i have had a crush on you and well. i would like to date you. its just that, me and relationships = bad idea. i dont know what it is but recently i have had no interest in dating anyone. at all. i wouldnt mind friends with benefits but not the status of dating. plus, what could you see in me. all i see is a lost boy with low self esteem, who has no desire to do anything spectacular, who is bad at keeping girlfriends, and is mostly an idiot at times. i dont know what it is that makes people like me. would it be my wierd personality? is it the fact that i pretend not to give a fuck about what people think about me? to be honest. i dont know, and if i met someone exactly like me, would i like them, or would i think "what an annoying kid that guy is" to me, i seem very annoying. calling my friends every now an then, constantly asking people to go on skype so i can talk to them. i dont have a cell phone, so i cant randomly text you and wait for a reply, we have to time it just right and both be online at the same time if we wanna talk. what about my speech filter...its kind of broke, i dont often think about what im saying and sometimes that can lead to very bad things. also your leaving arent you?? why does everyone have to leave? i dont want to date someone that is going to leave me, because likely i will fall in love then i will break and ive already gone through a pretty severe depression that lead to many nights crying myself to sleep and many other horrific scenes of self harm. so do i want to risk it? but saying that...will i be alone for the rest of my life because im to scared to break up with my partner. have i no faith? apparently not. anyway, im sorry
your truly,
Thomas.
P.s. i love you.

lets keep it loud!

i think im over you >.< yay. whose next o.0

and

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. thanks for the news i guess. i didnt want to hear it. but i guess now im gonna have to live with it. the cancer has taken full control of her body and she is basically a goner. i love you so much. even though i didnt get to see you much, you made the best desserts and you truly are amazing. xoxoxoxox i suppose its time to dry the tears and get back on track. FUCK YOU CANCER you fucking whore! i would really like to talk to YOU right now. but i doubt i will. you possess this magical power that makes everything better. and i really need a dose of it right now. fuck

when everything is silent

im sorry people. but i am incredibly bored...... here we go.


What size is the last bed you kissed on? i believe it was the floor....
When was the last time you were sick? sick in the stomache...all the time
Are you one of those people who are always cold? nope
What are you listening to? lord of the rings
How many more days until your birthday? i dont really care
Do you have any summer plans yet? summer is nearly over...
When was the last time you shaved your legs? erm...i really dont know...NEVER
Is there someone you wish you were closer with? yup
Do you tend to waste a lot of money? yeh, mainly on food...
Have any addictions? i cant say i do.
Are you anything like your siblings? no. nothing.
Have you ever had a stalker? i think so
What did you last drink? a glass of water
Have you ever received an injury from a hook up? no...i cant say i have
What did you last eat? i cant remember...
What was the best concert you have been to? band concert o.0
Who is the last person you hugged? i dunno. it was a couple of days ago though...
Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? yes like all my good friends are. except for one.
When was the last time you had a crowd at your house? i cant remember
What can you smell? sweat...
How many cell phones have you had? 2
Which school year do you think will be the saddest? this coming school year
Do you have trust issues? nope not really
Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? nope not anymore
Where do you get all your clothes? clothes shops
What did you do today ? hula hooped
How many more years of high school do you have? one
Do you have a YouTube account? yes...
Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? not anymore
Have you ever regretted kissing someone? no i havent
Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? nope
Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? yes
Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? maybe
Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? someone else
Will next friday be a good one? oh hellzzz yes next friday. not this one
When was the last time something bothered you? all the time
Do you think age matters in relationships? to an extent
Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend? no
When will your next kiss be? probably next Friday. i tend to kiss a lot of people when im drunk...
Who was the first male you talked to today? my brother
okay that was kinda lame...

it must be the end.

wow... 3 days i have had nothing to say. nothing. not one thing. i can recap about the past three days. crazy fun party. im not gonna go into details or anything. but my god am i a lightweight. im still 130 lbs which is good. really good. the next day i had a headache... work was fun. mostly dead nothing important. you...i havent seen you. i sent you a drunk text from someones phone. but i cant remember what it said...i also deleted the text so the person couldnt see what i said... i kinda would like to know. so if YOUR reading this (which i hope your not.)also if you know who YOU are then please tell me what i sent you. i have a feeling i should be embarrassed or that i should bury my head in shame. but right now i really dont know. so im gonna convince myself it was just a "hey whats up...." but i know it wasnt... how 'bout that eh. i finally updated my blog.