Walking bare feet in the snow feels far warmer than the looks you give me these days.

what do i say to that?

alone.

kay this being alone on holidays thing isn’t working out for me I’m not gonna be alone on new years eve or new years day cuz i have to work. but i swear if i am alone on valentines day i am going to kill something.

it shouldn’t be like that should it. (what have i done) when i ask you out you shouldn’t have to think about. well you are going to give me an answer before 2012. i hope its an answer that will make me smile (shit i have put myself in a stupid situation.) it probably isn’t but my magic 8 ball said that you would say yes. so maybe.

okay that was stupid. I didn’t get my photoshoot the woman never called back. so. i got all worked up over nothing.

i hate cooking. no i like it. i do. i just hate getting in the mood to cook something and realize you only have half of the ingredients. its stupid.

hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m so difficult. and confusing. and one minute i want this and the next minute i change my mind. one minute i am super happy next minute i am depressed. is this bipolar disorder? i looked at the symptoms and i have most of them. sooo. not going to assume anything, if i am my dr would tell me right|? i hate doctors and counsellors. i probably shouldn’t lie to them should i? oh well.

i got new deoderant and it smells different and really good. you can’t smell it right now, but when you next smell it you will love it. i do

this is a long blog post about kind of nothing.

oh i have lots of books, so i will read.

P.s. did it really fucking shock you when i told you i was thinking about you? i do. quite a lot.

grr

ah.

yeh Christmas eve might of been, perhaps the worse night in a couple of months. i might of done something regrettable. but thats the past. christmas day was okay. we watched about 3 movies. I now really dislike tom felton. but he is sooo gah. kay, my brother got a justin bieber CD. lol i thought i was the queer one…. anyway. feeling pretty good. got an e reader. from my dad. then found out my mum had ordered one too…this could be awkward. so now i have to choose between them. my mums is purple…lol. can i have both? I will eventually have enough books probably. hah. whatever, i see you have a cell phone, guess what. i don’t really want it. do you know what. i don’t even want to date you. just kinda wanna make out and have a little sex. thats all. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK. horny teen over here okay… i guess i will just have to wait. i hate waiting…okay. sooooo. i am not going to ever spend Christmas eve alone ever again. it was really painful. tomorrow is my photoshoot. hopefully. kinda nervous. oh well i get money and experience out of it. so wish me luck!!!!! well, peace out. gotta go drink some tea.

panic attack over.

so my client called me just now to say that her daughter was running late. i told her that if she isn't going to be here by 5 we are going to get some terrible pictures. so we decided to do it on boxing day. that gives me time to go downtown get some special CD's for the prints and to breathe. also. the book bar is having a sale!!!!!!!!! i just got a paycheck :) woooo. i can breathe. christmas tomorrow :/ gotta wake up early and walk to my dads house. not excited. i got him a crock pot.lol i think i am going to give him that and something else. lol that was a bit mean.i lost my brothers christmas present. and i only have half of my mums. so Thomas didn't do very well this Christmas. there has been so much on my mind. oh yeh. one of my favourite fish died today. stripe. may you rest in peace. and before you tell me i'm a bad fish keeper. just stop. i did try my best. This past couple of weeks i was the best fish owner ever. yeh i joke around and told you i forgot to feed them. but i didn't i was just joking. so yeh. :( kinda sad, really happy. super excited. still a little worried. but i got this.

oh my goodness.

this is it. i have found it. mind you i didn’t need to look very far. Photography. you are all like durrr. but seriously. i love it. I love the sound of the shutter when i take the pictures. i love people smiling even if it is fake. i love seeing the pictures captured in my camera. i love looking at the pictures after its done. i love playing with the contrast and making it look AWESOME. i love forgetting the pictures and seeing them a couple of months down the road and feeling my jaw drop on how awesome i think they are. this is it. i have a photoshoot this afternoon. a million things went wrong. like running out of ink and not being able to print off the model release forms. ohh well. i am getting paid for this!!!!! should be fun. i will upload some pictures when i do print off the form and they sign it. just slightly freaking out. but whatever i have done this a thousand times with family and friends. i got this!!!

oh.

looks i like a will be spending christmas eve alone…but its okay, i am going to go on a LONG walk with my dog, pick up supplies for making people things. and i am going to get lost. while i am lost maybe i will find happiness. I’ am really sad now. why did you have to do that? “Oh yeh my parents said i could come, but I’m not going to.” Thanks you kinda broke me right there. fuck. i am wiped. 11 hours of work today. ready to go to bed. but i can’t. because i feel sick to the stomach. mrow.

find something i love

i have been told to find something i love to do…alone.

I am going to try and perfect my cooking. I can do it.

I am going to make people presents. RANDOMNLY

I am going to read my tarot cards more often. for the hell of it.

I am going to read. ALL the books.

I am going to write. in my new note book.

I am going to sing. to my favourite songs.

I am going to listen to music. when i am in my room.

mrow.

fun?

I don’t know what to think. my job has gotten a hell of a lot worse. i used to love working, i would get excited for work, but now i dread it. i dread everything. i feel lonely all the time, even when i am surrounded by the best of friends. i still feel incredibly lonely. i don’t want to feel lonely anymore. i want. i want. i want. i want a lot of things but you don’t always get what you want. do you.

that was disappointing.

well. first off. pink wrapping paper? what are you on? it was shiny I’ll give you that but whatever. okay

secondly. i thought. i was actually ill or something. but no. blood tests came back and I’m fine. I have over the average amount of vitamin D, and everything else was normal. so i don’t have depression. i don’t have a mental illness. I’m just sad. truthfully i wanted to have depression just so i could blame it on something. but no. I’m just sad. and that makes me. really sad.

so my mum is staying for Christmas, she has a friend round. if anyone else is lonely you can come round too.  or come round anyway. likely i’ll still be lonely just with someone. gah.

still sick. i really dislike being sick.

broken flute is fixed BTW

christmas presents are not one to procrastinate. but i do anyway. they are nearly done though.

oh shit writing assignment due tomorrow. maybe i should start it… looks like another all nighter.

Tomorrow Makayla is coming over, i am moving into my sisters room and dying my hair. surprise surprise.

i think i work too much/ because when i don’t work. i don’t know what to do with myself.

well enjoy the long blog post. I’ll be on skype if you wanna laugh or shout or talk or something… rant to me. or ask me questions, i like question games. well au revoir.

point?

I don’t see the point in staying up this late anymore. you are offline. no one is online. i’m just staring at a blank screen. well not so blank. but you get the jyst of it. i bought my grad suit today. i look fucking sexy!!!  well. i accidently thought about you a lot today. i probably shouldn’t of…Jenny is gone now. well until june, then she may or may not come back. nearly done my xmas presents. I’m such a fail at them… grawr… don’t want to go to school tomorrow. but i will because you are there. oh my god i am so tired i am not even looking at the screen when i write this my eyes are closed. wow i am pretty food at writing with my etes cloesed maybe i should do it more often. not so food that tme… og well. lol, me fail. not to bad though. Thomas go to bed. okay. goodnight,

phew

things are getting better. wow. i sound bipolar on this blog. i get my blood tests back on thursday. :/ breathe. i like the words inhale and exhale/. that is all.

colon and a closing bracket

i want you to talk to me right now. just say “hey” like you do. it would still make me smile. it always does.  but you’re not going to are you. its okay really.

thanx

Thanks for the offer guys, but you have families too. even if your families aren’t there either, i really don’t know what to say.  i don’t know what to do. I would be better off alone, so maybe i should be. i may be over reacting. but i don’t give a fuck. clearly i haven’t killed myself yet so I’ll be fine.

I’m so dramatic. I’m so over reacting. I’m so self conscious about the way  i feel right now. fuck

shoulda saw that coming.

If I’m not at school tomorrow. you will find me in my room. a rope tied around my neck and me hanging from my light. stupid thing about that is my light wouldn’t support my weight. i guess I’m just stupid. I’ll just hide now.

I’m sooooo tired of this. It’s soooo stupid. happens every time. I’m sick. sick of working. sick of school. sick of all the excitement over christmas. sick of life i guess.

I HATE CHRISTMAS

i hate it. well this christmas mostly. first one without my cat. first one without my sister. first one without my dad. first one without my brother. just me and mum. but she might go somewhere to celebrate it. I’ll spend christmas alone with my dog. I asked my boss if i could work. but AW isn’t open :/

FUCK

as if this happened again.

really?!?! you're kidding me right? i don't think this can get anymore perfect. squee.
i don't know what to say.
i don't know what to do.
all i know is that.
I think i'm in love with you.

don't you worry, I'll wait for you. :)

i really don't want to wait any longer. so i don't think i will. see you tomorrow?

well. I am going to start this blog post with saying. "i no longer want to kill myself." -yay!!! well. so much has happened. first of all. I am happy :) okay. so winter formal was great. i could of danced with you forever, but as you said. everyone was staring, but cuddling with you on the couch was just as great!!! I want to ask you out, but at the same time i am worried too, not because i don't think you would say yes, and not because i am worried about what people will think or say. but because every relationship where i have asked, it basically went to shit. no offence, or anything. but seriously. they have. and if we were to date, it isn't going to be a summer fling, a weekend fuck(although that would be nice :P) no i want something that would last longer than a couple of months, no i don't really want forever. maybe. the word forever scares me, because well you have to be really committed and i'm sporadic, very sporadic. anyway. i really like you :) i really really really like you. erm. what else happened that is worth mentioning...this morning i was thinking about all my accomplishments, and i was like. "Thomas you are an idiot for thinking you are useless, i mean look at everything you have done." "I mean you are graduating a year earlier than you should be, you are 16 and a supervisor at AW, you moved across the world and lost every friend you ever made aside for one. you also made new ones!. you have more than 5 pictures published in a magazine, you won a short story competition and got an amazing reward. might i also mention the number of solo's you get in band. And yeh you might have had a little accident and as llary would say. "you imploded." that has only made you more stronger. or it was the zoloft that made you stronger...anyway. Thomas you are great. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you too.! " that was my internal monologue this morning while i was showering. thought i'd share...there happy Jacob>?

squee