if i was a cat, I’d be dead.

i would really love to delete Facebook, and not have a Skype. so that people would have to call me if they wanted to talk to me or write me a letter, but i know no one will call me and I’ll only get letters from one person. so i think it would be more upsetting if i did delete these forms of communications with the outside world, so i won’t. the other thing is the curiosity that you may have replied to my message i sent you a week ago, you still haven’t and you have been on Facebook multiple times since. so chances are you deleted the message, and forgot about me. so this guy here still aimlessly goes on Facebook and Skype to see if anyone wants to talk to me, hoping that someone commented on my status or at least liked it, and wishing for a number other than zero in the little red speech bubbles on the top left hand side of the page. i have a sad sad life. je suis aller kayak demain, je suis tres excite. je suis tres fatigue mais  je ne peut pas dormir. je souhaite tu serait parler avec moi, je tu manques.   maybe that made sense maybe it didn’t. i like talking french even though i am no good at it >.<

i listen to this when I’m sad. i think you should too :)

let’s try this.

hmm. i think this might work, and make me feel better. i was “tumbling” and i found this “thing” its a set of instructions for when you feel like cutting yourself. usually i ignore the urge and i bottle it up and then at a later date the bottle explodes and shit goes down. so now every time I feel the need to cut myself instead of bottling it up or waiting for someone to come online so i can talk to them, I'm going to draw a butterfly in sharpie on my wrist and give it a name of someone i love. that way i wont want to cut myself because i will be killing the butterfly as for the names it makes it more personal. so maybe. this will work. I’m feeling pretty good about it right now.

I’ve got It

i will get a diploma in photography and then I'll run away and join the circus.!.

 

if.

right now i feel as though my life revolves around the word “If” and i dislike it. “If” shouldn’t even be considered a word, it is just two letters, a pathetic little word that seems to control my life.

If i get accepted into the centre of arts and technology i will probably be staying with my psychic friend or in residence.

If i can get over my nervousness i may have a shot at applying for several scholarships.

If my talent is any good i may have a shot at life..

there are more “If’s” but i don’ feel like writing them all down…to much effort.

what i will write though is that, according to my mum, me being a photographer isn’t going to get me anywhere in life. there are too many photographers and ill just end up wasting all this money on a hobby. my grandad and her are even trying to convince me to do something else. what else can i do? i lack self esteem. the only thing i believe i am remotely good at is photography; and that isn’t going to get me anywhere. i could try writing but my writing is at a high school level and nowhere near a university level. English teacher is an option. but I'm pretty sure my 76% average in English isn't going to get me accepted. i lack the ability of science so that cancels a lot out. and trades…you cant see me doing trades. i could try modeling…but i aint good looking. dancer? got no rhythm. cook – it would either be raw or burnt. baker/ cake decorator – I'm not one to follow in my mother’s footsteps. stripper? still not “hot” enough. other options are working at a shop or restaurant for the rest of my days. bah. like that will happen. I'm clueless. I'm interested in bartending but i don't think you can go to university for that. it is my dream to go to Uni. i really want to go to university and get a degree or a diploma. that i will do. but in what…

BLANKET FORT PICTURES!!!!!

these two were the only decent ones!. but this is my epic blanket fort!!!

RIP?

Dear Molly,

   its been three weeks, i take it you’re not coming back. I just want to let you know how much i love you and i will miss you. you meant everything to me. I remember in grade 8 i got into an argument over cats versus dogs, i told my friends that i would die if you were to run away. well I’m dying. but its okay, you’re in a better place now…aren't you? i love how you were so relaxed. i love how you would sit and stare at me for hours on end. i love how you were always up for petting. i love how you didn't freak out when we bought you to Canada. i love how when we had staring contests you always let me win by winking at me. i love how your sandpaper tongue licked my wrists when i brushed you.i love how you would ferociously attack me when i would pet your belly. and i love how you attacked my ankles when i walk down the stairs. i love how you didn't give a fuck. i love how you would lie on my bed and expect me to lie around you when i fall asleep. i love how gentle you were with my puppy. and how you would hide behind things and jump out on him when he walked by. i love how photogenic you were. and i love how you would pose for the camera. i love how you would immediately greet me when i walked in the house (some days). i love the colours of your fur and how unique you are. basically i love everything about you.

i miss you Molly, i really do. i just hope you’re not suffering in any kind of way. love you to the moon and back a thousand times.

                                 Sherlock.

Its amazing.

Its amazing how one person can scare you shitless, by saying a few simple words.

Its amazing how one person can make you so incredibly happy, by saying a few simple words.

Its amazing how one person can make you so incredibly sad, by saying a few simple words.

are we in control of our own emotions? or is it the people around us, the songs we listen to, and even the everyday things we see.

just a though i guess.

the other day in creative writing, the Prompt was : Dear Friend,

i thought of you when i wrote this. but obviously its not true. here goes….

 

Dear Friend,

It was great seeing you today, too bad you completely ignored me. I don’t know why. But i manage to fall for you every time. I look in those green and brown eyes of yours and i am lost forever. I had a nightmare last night and you were in it and you did what you always do; you left me. I don’t like being alone. When i woke up this morning i broke into my mum’s liquor cabinet and i drank until i couldn’t think. I’m not sure what happened next but i wanted to see you. What i do remember though, is you driving me home, not talking to me, your eyes focused purely on the road. You stopped at my house, but i said i couldn’t have my mum see me like this. So you took me to that balcony on the edge of the cliff, that balcony where we ran to, that balcony that we stood on and talked about how beautiful life is. And you told me to sit and wait, you said you would be back in a bit. You said you were just going to bring some food, but you were gone for so long. Two hours had gone by and you hadn’t come back and it was getting dark. You left me. I thought back to when you dropped me off and told me to stay. And i thought about the silence you left in and how you walked silently to your car, and how silently you drove away, and the dust that you left me in. i was dying inside. It hurt me so much that you would just leave me like this. I went through my bag - i don’t know what i was thinking, or if I was even thinking - and i  ripped out a piece of paper from my notebook. I pulled the pen lid off my favourite pen and i wrote you this note. At first i didn’t know what to say. But now i think its clear as to what I’m about to do. I’m going to leave you now, and I’m not going to say goodbye.

i edited it and changed it before i put it here. i hope you liked it? i don’t really know what to say right now.

oh dear

i don't know what to think anymore, it seems the more i go on in my life, the more i think i might have been lying to myself in the past. if you can make any sense on that, good for you. because i don't, nothing makes sense anymore. i kind of wish it did, but who am i to change the way things do or don't make sense. i miss you terribly, i don't know what to think about you, i really don't, i wish i did, and you and you and you and you there i so many you's and people that i love, but what if i don't love them what if its just something that my brain makes up for lack of people i love. i want this to make sense but i know it doesn't. i don't get it anymore. there is going to be an explosion tonight. i really need to cheer up, i have work at 6:45 in the morning. but I'm not complaining because i asked for the shifts, i am freaking out inside. I'm scared. really scared, it hit me and it keeps hitting me, this graduation stuff, i know I'm over reacting, but i cant help it. its all coming to fast. as it is for everyone else, i know. but all i can think of was when i was a child. a younger child, and how big i felt and how small the world was.  but its flipped now and i have realised how small i am and how big the rest of the fucking world is. its overpowering and belittling. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. i feel like i messed up here, but i don't know how i messed up. i let my friend from writing class read my dream…previous post. she looked at me and was like “ is your dog still alive?” i was like no. all this stuff actually happened this year. and she looked at me and was like “wow, i think i might of killed myself if i was you.” i showed her my wrists and we hugged. i don't know why i told her. it felt good to tell someone who had no idea all this was happening. gah. i don't know what I'm trying to say at all really.  i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. i want to give up, but i don't want to be a quitter. maybe this is just a dream and i will wake up and be like. fuck that was a horrid dream. but i know i wont. time to finish reading, the perks of being a wildflower, and ill listen to some sad songs, and i will freak out because i wont want to be late for work, and my dog keeps unplugging the Ethernet chord, and my internet keeps flickering and my sister is talking about my nose, i don't know if she is insulting me or complimenting me. and my brother complimented me on my hair today, but my mum didn't recognize me.  she walked past me twice and looked at me, and when i said mum, she looked at me and realized i was her son. i love my mum, i cant blame her for anything because that would be wrong. Mrs.  McEwen asked me where i would be and what i wanted to be in 10 years time. i told her that i really don't care as long as i was happy. i felt really cheesy in saying that, and when everyone else said that there goals was to go to university and college or go to law school, i felt like an idiot, i felt like they all had a clue and i had no idea that's when it hit me. i don't care if i go to university, i don't care if i have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a wife or a husband. i don't care about any of that. sure it would be nice. but really. i want to be happy, i want to die happily. i want to tell depressed and suicide teenagers that it does get better in the end. but for now, i don't  really want to move on the particular subject of you, even thought i  probably already have. just know that i do love you. maybe not in the uh uh i want to fuck you kind of be my girlfriend kind of way. i love you in the, you are my best friend i don't want you to be hurt. i don't want to see you like this. i don't think raid nights are more important than you. nothing is more important than you, if only you can realise that its okay not to have a boyfriend, its okay not having someone to touch you. and i want you to know, no amount of German can stop me from know what you truly feel…(Google translate) but anyway. you are special to me, I'm sorry i don't want to date you. but i don't want to see you get hurt.

It was a nightmare like no others.

last night i had an insane and twisted nightmare, the reason it was so horrid was that it was so personal. Before i went to sleep i was writing letters to my friends in victoria and Vernon, so there was nothing out of the ordinary there and i have absolutely no idea what triggered it. here goes:

i was walking around Sobeys and i saw you, you were working. i tried to avoid you by walking down the milk aisle, but you noticed me and waved. i turned my head away, and carried on walking, but you followed me and grabbed my arm. you apologised to me for ignoring me and not talking to me for weeks on end, you apologised for all the things you did that hurt me and i closed my eyes and we were sitting on the steps you were holding my hands. our heads leaned into each other and we were kissing. not a peck this was full on tongue battle. just as it was getting good, you got up and left. you deserted me in the middle of something so perfect. i was confused and hurt. i closed my eyes to help blink the few tears that i had created and when i got up to walk away i found i was walking up Johnson's road. Pippin was running and i was chasing him, we were having the time of our lives. i heard a truck come round the corner and i called pippin back to me, but he was on the other side of the road and the road curved round, and as he was running towards me tongue lolling out the truck picked up speed and crushed his fragile body under the front wheel. The truck drove away and i ran to my puppy and picked him up, he was limp. i held him close but he dissolved and fell through the cracks on the road, i fell on my knee’s and tried to pick him up but he was gone. i hit my head on the road, tears splashed and wetted the concrete. time after time i hit my head until i blacked out. when i opened my eyes again i was at a camp, i knew this place it was lake cartwright.  i was sitting on a log and a little boy was sitting on my lap, i knew who this was he had bright blue eyes and he was giggling. he jumped off my legs and walked towards the water, i tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen. he tripped and hit his head on the dock falling head first in the cold lake. i tried to pick him up but my hands went right through his body, it was as if i turned into a ghost. i tried to call for help but no words escaped my mouth, all i could do was sit and watch him as he breathed in the dirty water. his family was just around the corner setting up tents, oblivious to the tragedy that just happened. i was distraught, what was happening? i looked across the lake and saw my Aunt standing on the water. i glided towards her, but she fell through the water and was sinking. i dived in and i was in her bedroom, she was lying in her bed, she looked exactly how my grandad described her. she was pale and cold, her curly golden hair had thinned and straightened and looked almost grey. her eyes were open and as i stared into them i realised and saw the white moon where her brown iris’s should of been, i realised that she was lifeless. i looked around the room and saw my grandad he was pacing back and forth in front of my uncle who was sitting down with his head in his palms. i ran out of the room, i wanted to get out of this world. i ran to the front door and when i opened it, molly sat there and meowed at me. she got up and started walking away, i followed her down the road. but then she disappeared, she vanished. i looked up at the moon as it rapidly descended but something was different, the sun wasn’t rising. life was fading to black. i carried on walking to try and find molly but eventually the twinkling stars dimmed and it was black. i stood calling out for molly, but she never came back. a street lamp appeared and i was standing exactly where molly disappeared. i looked around and noticed the shadows. shadows of cougars and bears, shadows of trucks and cars, of people with guns of giant spiders and then you appeared as a shadow. they were closing in on me and tried to push them away, but they got closer and closer till they were suffocating me and everything went black once more.

i woke up in a cold sweat, my blanket fort had collapsed on top of me. i was gasping for air, i couldn't breathe. i threw the white sheets off and sat up. what the fuck happened? i was so confused as to why this particular nightmare targeted everything tragic that happened to me this year, why it hit me now when i was finally feeling a little better.