fun?

I don’t know what to think. my job has gotten a hell of a lot worse. i used to love working, i would get excited for work, but now i dread it. i dread everything. i feel lonely all the time, even when i am surrounded by the best of friends. i still feel incredibly lonely. i don’t want to feel lonely anymore. i want. i want. i want. i want a lot of things but you don’t always get what you want. do you.

that was disappointing.

well. first off. pink wrapping paper? what are you on? it was shiny I’ll give you that but whatever. okay

secondly. i thought. i was actually ill or something. but no. blood tests came back and I’m fine. I have over the average amount of vitamin D, and everything else was normal. so i don’t have depression. i don’t have a mental illness. I’m just sad. truthfully i wanted to have depression just so i could blame it on something. but no. I’m just sad. and that makes me. really sad.

so my mum is staying for Christmas, she has a friend round. if anyone else is lonely you can come round too.  or come round anyway. likely i’ll still be lonely just with someone. gah.

still sick. i really dislike being sick.

broken flute is fixed BTW

christmas presents are not one to procrastinate. but i do anyway. they are nearly done though.

oh shit writing assignment due tomorrow. maybe i should start it… looks like another all nighter.

Tomorrow Makayla is coming over, i am moving into my sisters room and dying my hair. surprise surprise.

i think i work too much/ because when i don’t work. i don’t know what to do with myself.

well enjoy the long blog post. I’ll be on skype if you wanna laugh or shout or talk or something… rant to me. or ask me questions, i like question games. well au revoir.

point?

I don’t see the point in staying up this late anymore. you are offline. no one is online. i’m just staring at a blank screen. well not so blank. but you get the jyst of it. i bought my grad suit today. i look fucking sexy!!!  well. i accidently thought about you a lot today. i probably shouldn’t of…Jenny is gone now. well until june, then she may or may not come back. nearly done my xmas presents. I’m such a fail at them… grawr… don’t want to go to school tomorrow. but i will because you are there. oh my god i am so tired i am not even looking at the screen when i write this my eyes are closed. wow i am pretty food at writing with my etes cloesed maybe i should do it more often. not so food that tme… og well. lol, me fail. not to bad though. Thomas go to bed. okay. goodnight,

phew

things are getting better. wow. i sound bipolar on this blog. i get my blood tests back on thursday. :/ breathe. i like the words inhale and exhale/. that is all.

colon and a closing bracket

i want you to talk to me right now. just say “hey” like you do. it would still make me smile. it always does.  but you’re not going to are you. its okay really.

thanx

Thanks for the offer guys, but you have families too. even if your families aren’t there either, i really don’t know what to say.  i don’t know what to do. I would be better off alone, so maybe i should be. i may be over reacting. but i don’t give a fuck. clearly i haven’t killed myself yet so I’ll be fine.

I’m so dramatic. I’m so over reacting. I’m so self conscious about the way  i feel right now. fuck

shoulda saw that coming.

If I’m not at school tomorrow. you will find me in my room. a rope tied around my neck and me hanging from my light. stupid thing about that is my light wouldn’t support my weight. i guess I’m just stupid. I’ll just hide now.

I’m sooooo tired of this. It’s soooo stupid. happens every time. I’m sick. sick of working. sick of school. sick of all the excitement over christmas. sick of life i guess.

I HATE CHRISTMAS

i hate it. well this christmas mostly. first one without my cat. first one without my sister. first one without my dad. first one without my brother. just me and mum. but she might go somewhere to celebrate it. I’ll spend christmas alone with my dog. I asked my boss if i could work. but AW isn’t open :/

FUCK

as if this happened again.

really?!?! you're kidding me right? i don't think this can get anymore perfect. squee.
i don't know what to say.
i don't know what to do.
all i know is that.
I think i'm in love with you.

don't you worry, I'll wait for you. :)

i really don't want to wait any longer. so i don't think i will. see you tomorrow?