happy?

Not entirely, but i am excited. lets see.

End of September: Scratch magazine!

October:  WORDFEST!!!!!

November: Inheritance!!!!!!!!!!

December: I get to see people i miss dearly right now

January: New Classes and a New Year <<not all that exciting but still very enjoyable.

February: Seems kind of empty…

March: New Zealand?

April: you all come home

May: BAND TRIP!!!!!! MY BIRTHDAY, I GET MY “N” (hopefully)

June: SCHOOL ENDS!!!! HIGHSCHOOL ENDS FOREVER

July: SUMMER

August: SUMMER

September: UNIVERSITY!!!! INDEPENDENCE

and that is the outlook on the next 12 months. i need something amazing to happen in February, but i can work on that.

hmm

i'm feeling rather lonely. what i really need right now is my cat. but its been two weeks and still no sign. so im getting a negative feeling on her return. as if i havent gone through enough shit this year. what else is going to happen? ive got three months left till this year is over. what ever. i just want to ignore everything but i find it so hard. so hard. im losing my mind here.i need a break. a break from this town. a break from life. a break from you. a break from him. a break from this body. a break from my mind. is there a vacation i can take that can satisfy all my needs? certainly not.maybe im over exaggerating. maybe just maybe. the world will end tomorrow. well at least for me.

i hope you pick me.

i want to say “ wake up he aint worth it.” and i want to shout at you screaming, “i was your friend first.” but i wont because i know it hurts you. but guess what. it hurts me. it hurt me when you said this is going to be our last sleep over because HE doesn’t like it. so what if he doesn’t like it. yeh he may be your boyfriend and so what if you guys have dated for 10 months. i was your friend first. i liked you before he did. yeh i might have been to chicken shit to ask you out. and while i was in the process of working up the courage, he jumped ahead of me and beat me to it. you might remember it differently but that is how i remember it. there are many reasons why i don’t like that kid. that was the first. then there was more. and then i went round your house and saw how he treated you. how mad he got at you when you handed him some tac’s BUT there was a safety pin in the handful O.O. and watching him get mad over something so petty. was a slap in the face for me. and then from there. that promise ring he gave you. which you told me you were hesitant to take. and all those talks of marriage. it makes me sick to the stomach.  your fucking 16 you shouldn’t be pressured into dating some ugly as fuck control freak. its not fair. you need to get out date people your own age. have experience and wait. its a big world out there bubbles. there are almost 6.4billion to choose from. you don't have to pick that religious freak from a small town.

so i guess there is no more midnight walks. no more blanket forts then staying up all night watching movies. no more pancake breakfasts. no more staying up till midnight talking in the hot tub. and no more this and no more that. what happens when he says. i don't want you hanging out with Thomas. what will you do then? same thing as always. yes sir no sir three bags full sir. and then there will be no more us. can you imagine that? just think of the rest of high school without me. I'm not being modest or anything. just think. no crazy grad partner, no slippery dog walks down to the beach in the winter. no more running through sprinklers. no more splatter painting or tye dying. no more inside jokes. no more singing Gloria Gaynor at the top of our lungs. no more photo-shoots. no more golf  carting.

i may have a broken family and i personally don't have a car,   but when i am with you i am with you. not playing some fucked up video game.  so… i want to say “ me or him…” but i wont because that is being mean. and i know you are going to read this and it is quite possible that you will be in tears at the end. and i didn't want to upset you i just needed to release steam. but when he asks the question. “me or him?” i hope you pick me.

no swears o.0

go away. get out, you have overstayed your welcome. it is time for you to leave. to leave that place you have occupied in the back of my mind. to go out and enjoy the sun and not be cooped up in my head all day and night. ill be calling the cops if you do not leave. but they will think I’m crazy. am i crazy? are you even real or a creation. a creation of perfection. something i formulated then manipulated till it was immaculate. you and your smile, your chuckle, for you do not laugh. your labyrinth eyes for which i am lost in, once i gaze upon the green and brown swirls.your arms and your shoulders, your legs and your chest. everything about you is…is…there is no word perfect enough. but while i am lost in my body. my mind and my soul.  its is my grieving heart that wakes me from my coma, it wakes me up and slaps me twice. till all i see of you is an asshole. who doesn’t talk to me or anyone anymore. who left without saying goodbye. oooh how i resent that and i will never forget that. and i will always remember that. and i will always think about that. and think about that. and think about that. over and over again and again. until i forget about that. that one incident or was there more before. i don’t remember, why would i remember. i try to remember only the good stuff.and forget about the unsatisfactory. and from here on. i classify you as unsatisfactory and inferior. and i will sleep tonight without you running through my dreams. and i will sleep forever. and you will not once cross my mind. but maybe ill cross yours, and you might remember me.

You cannot and will not clap.

You can’t clap during writing class.

Its taking the snap out of creativity,

its like taking cake out of a fat persons diet.

You can’t clap during writing,

Its changing tradition,

and ruining our past.

That loud obnoxious clap

is like an elephant THUNDERING down our path.

 

The mellifluous snap is a gentle sound, a respectful sound.

a sound that is calm and collected.

the noise is controlled and my sanity protected.

You clap during writing class,

and friends off for life.

I’ll delete you off Facebook,

and screw me being nice

 

So snap loud and snap proud

if you have nothing to fear

but the tradition that lies in

Room 251.

 

( In my Creative Writing class we have a few loud and obnoxious people who made a point to clap really loud when someone finished reading their piece. Now, i disagreed with their clapping. finger snapping has been a tradition in writing class for more than 5 years, and these hooligans wanting to break that tradition. i wouldn’t stand for it, so i wrote this piece of slam poetry and presented it to the class. and guess what, after i presented it these obnoxious assholes stood up, clapped and wooed as loud as they can. but, my poem was enough to convince the teacher to stand up and tell them that clapping was not allowed.   its not that i dont like clapping. its just in writing class. you do not clap, you snap.)

the emptiness in those red and dreaded halls

wow, did school ever feel empty. i guess with a lack of amazing people that's what happens. not to worry i still have some awesome people in my classes.
sad thing was: i completely forgot you guys all left, and when i got to school at 8:15 i was expecting a little more people to be on the steps than just me. and then at 8:30 i was still alone. waiting for someone to join me on the steps. and they did. maybe not right away but they noticed me and they came and sat by me. and it felt great!!!!!
what i can tell from the first day back at school is that:
there will be a new crush,
there will be a conflict
there will be an awesome time in creative writing,
there will be great friendships
new and old
band will be odd. i cant express that enough, there is going to be about 8 flutes including me and sierra << the only seniors.
french 11 is going to be great.
english 12 will be tough, but im confident i can do it.
creative writing is so utterly amazing i had to mention it twice
my spare will be fantastic
its going to be a good year.
as for grad pranks.. they have already begun!

wish me luck.

ahhhhhh. school starts tomorrow. how weird is that going to be.

great…

And now your gone… without so much of a good bye. but guess what i don’t care. well i do care and it is killing me right now. but for the sake of keeping me sane. i am trying to convince myself that I'm fine with you not talking to me, that I'm fine with you leaving and not saying good bye. but you are only gone for four months before you will be back for Christmas break. bah.

on another note. Molly my beloved Cat. I've had her for as long as i can remember. we bought her to Canada. my best friend. is gone. without a trace. and again i didn't say goodbye to her. because i got kicked out/ i walked out. either one, she is gone. she might come back. she might be locked in someone's garage right now, or she might be round someone’s house chilling like a villain. or she might be in the stomach of a cougar. or mangled on the side of the road. who knows. i just really want her back. more than anything right now. i love you Molly.

well good news is. my mum is letting me go home. so i don't have to stay at my dad’s anymore. school is like the day after tomorrow. I'm so excited to see my friends. and possibly make new ones. i have 2 palm bays left. anyone want to hang out sometime??? ooh good news. my rank at the dub is getting higher. i have been given 2 opening shifts next week. and after i get my third opening shift i will be given a key to the dub. and i will be opening the dub by my lonesome at 6 in the morning… yay.

recently i have been trying to write some decent slam poems. because next year I'm determined to have an open mic at the school. i want to blow people away with my magical spoken word. but. it hasn't been going good lately and I haven't been able to get into the rhythm of writing it. i need something inspiring to happen. hmm this gives me an idea. anyway. when i finish this master piece ill post it on here for you to read.

oh and one last thing. i have to start seeing my counsellor again…

it is 11:40pm and Sherlock is signing out.

will you?

If i hold the gun,

will you help me pull the trigger?

If i tie the knot,

will you push away the chair?

If i slide the blade across my wrists,

will you leave me there to bleed?

If i tell you that I'm not strong enough,

will you dose me up with steroids?

will you hold me close and wont let go?

will you turn your back and walk away?

will you leave me there to cry?

will you leave me there to cry?

i bet you would…

bah

What a great start to September. so not only did i get kicked out…BUT i also forgot that  i work, and by chance i called and asked when i worked next and they were like. “…your supposed to be workin like now…where are you?”  so i raced to work. and was 15 minutes late ><  and at work i also managed to knock a tub of mayo off the counter. slam my finger in several tills. had a cup of milkshake erupt on me. knocked over a broom about a hundred times. slipped on the wet floor. walked into the door. and embarrassed myself in front of some customers by getting my words muddled up so i didn’t make ANY SENSE WHAT SO EVER. yah. i would consider myself an emotional wreck. I feel like a ragdoll, life has tossed me about and left me behind in the rain.

but its okay.

This Saturday, i have plans with a few of my best friends to grab some Timbits and sit by the beach, before they leave  for Calgary. hopefully it works out. man i’m gonna miss you guys!!