if.

right now i feel as though my life revolves around the word “If” and i dislike it. “If” shouldn’t even be considered a word, it is just two letters, a pathetic little word that seems to control my life.

If i get accepted into the centre of arts and technology i will probably be staying with my psychic friend or in residence.

If i can get over my nervousness i may have a shot at applying for several scholarships.

If my talent is any good i may have a shot at life..

there are more “If’s” but i don’ feel like writing them all down…to much effort.

what i will write though is that, according to my mum, me being a photographer isn’t going to get me anywhere in life. there are too many photographers and ill just end up wasting all this money on a hobby. my grandad and her are even trying to convince me to do something else. what else can i do? i lack self esteem. the only thing i believe i am remotely good at is photography; and that isn’t going to get me anywhere. i could try writing but my writing is at a high school level and nowhere near a university level. English teacher is an option. but I'm pretty sure my 76% average in English isn't going to get me accepted. i lack the ability of science so that cancels a lot out. and trades…you cant see me doing trades. i could try modeling…but i aint good looking. dancer? got no rhythm. cook – it would either be raw or burnt. baker/ cake decorator – I'm not one to follow in my mother’s footsteps. stripper? still not “hot” enough. other options are working at a shop or restaurant for the rest of my days. bah. like that will happen. I'm clueless. I'm interested in bartending but i don't think you can go to university for that. it is my dream to go to Uni. i really want to go to university and get a degree or a diploma. that i will do. but in what…

BLANKET FORT PICTURES!!!!!

these two were the only decent ones!. but this is my epic blanket fort!!!

RIP?

Dear Molly,

   its been three weeks, i take it you’re not coming back. I just want to let you know how much i love you and i will miss you. you meant everything to me. I remember in grade 8 i got into an argument over cats versus dogs, i told my friends that i would die if you were to run away. well I’m dying. but its okay, you’re in a better place now…aren't you? i love how you were so relaxed. i love how you would sit and stare at me for hours on end. i love how you were always up for petting. i love how you didn't freak out when we bought you to Canada. i love how when we had staring contests you always let me win by winking at me. i love how your sandpaper tongue licked my wrists when i brushed you.i love how you would ferociously attack me when i would pet your belly. and i love how you attacked my ankles when i walk down the stairs. i love how you didn't give a fuck. i love how you would lie on my bed and expect me to lie around you when i fall asleep. i love how gentle you were with my puppy. and how you would hide behind things and jump out on him when he walked by. i love how photogenic you were. and i love how you would pose for the camera. i love how you would immediately greet me when i walked in the house (some days). i love the colours of your fur and how unique you are. basically i love everything about you.

i miss you Molly, i really do. i just hope you’re not suffering in any kind of way. love you to the moon and back a thousand times.

                                 Sherlock.

Its amazing.

Its amazing how one person can scare you shitless, by saying a few simple words.

Its amazing how one person can make you so incredibly happy, by saying a few simple words.

Its amazing how one person can make you so incredibly sad, by saying a few simple words.

are we in control of our own emotions? or is it the people around us, the songs we listen to, and even the everyday things we see.

just a though i guess.

the other day in creative writing, the Prompt was : Dear Friend,

i thought of you when i wrote this. but obviously its not true. here goes….

 

Dear Friend,

It was great seeing you today, too bad you completely ignored me. I don’t know why. But i manage to fall for you every time. I look in those green and brown eyes of yours and i am lost forever. I had a nightmare last night and you were in it and you did what you always do; you left me. I don’t like being alone. When i woke up this morning i broke into my mum’s liquor cabinet and i drank until i couldn’t think. I’m not sure what happened next but i wanted to see you. What i do remember though, is you driving me home, not talking to me, your eyes focused purely on the road. You stopped at my house, but i said i couldn’t have my mum see me like this. So you took me to that balcony on the edge of the cliff, that balcony where we ran to, that balcony that we stood on and talked about how beautiful life is. And you told me to sit and wait, you said you would be back in a bit. You said you were just going to bring some food, but you were gone for so long. Two hours had gone by and you hadn’t come back and it was getting dark. You left me. I thought back to when you dropped me off and told me to stay. And i thought about the silence you left in and how you walked silently to your car, and how silently you drove away, and the dust that you left me in. i was dying inside. It hurt me so much that you would just leave me like this. I went through my bag - i don’t know what i was thinking, or if I was even thinking - and i  ripped out a piece of paper from my notebook. I pulled the pen lid off my favourite pen and i wrote you this note. At first i didn’t know what to say. But now i think its clear as to what I’m about to do. I’m going to leave you now, and I’m not going to say goodbye.

i edited it and changed it before i put it here. i hope you liked it? i don’t really know what to say right now.

oh dear

i don't know what to think anymore, it seems the more i go on in my life, the more i think i might have been lying to myself in the past. if you can make any sense on that, good for you. because i don't, nothing makes sense anymore. i kind of wish it did, but who am i to change the way things do or don't make sense. i miss you terribly, i don't know what to think about you, i really don't, i wish i did, and you and you and you and you there i so many you's and people that i love, but what if i don't love them what if its just something that my brain makes up for lack of people i love. i want this to make sense but i know it doesn't. i don't get it anymore. there is going to be an explosion tonight. i really need to cheer up, i have work at 6:45 in the morning. but I'm not complaining because i asked for the shifts, i am freaking out inside. I'm scared. really scared, it hit me and it keeps hitting me, this graduation stuff, i know I'm over reacting, but i cant help it. its all coming to fast. as it is for everyone else, i know. but all i can think of was when i was a child. a younger child, and how big i felt and how small the world was.  but its flipped now and i have realised how small i am and how big the rest of the fucking world is. its overpowering and belittling. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. i feel like i messed up here, but i don't know how i messed up. i let my friend from writing class read my dream…previous post. she looked at me and was like “ is your dog still alive?” i was like no. all this stuff actually happened this year. and she looked at me and was like “wow, i think i might of killed myself if i was you.” i showed her my wrists and we hugged. i don't know why i told her. it felt good to tell someone who had no idea all this was happening. gah. i don't know what I'm trying to say at all really.  i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. i want to give up, but i don't want to be a quitter. maybe this is just a dream and i will wake up and be like. fuck that was a horrid dream. but i know i wont. time to finish reading, the perks of being a wildflower, and ill listen to some sad songs, and i will freak out because i wont want to be late for work, and my dog keeps unplugging the Ethernet chord, and my internet keeps flickering and my sister is talking about my nose, i don't know if she is insulting me or complimenting me. and my brother complimented me on my hair today, but my mum didn't recognize me.  she walked past me twice and looked at me, and when i said mum, she looked at me and realized i was her son. i love my mum, i cant blame her for anything because that would be wrong. Mrs.  McEwen asked me where i would be and what i wanted to be in 10 years time. i told her that i really don't care as long as i was happy. i felt really cheesy in saying that, and when everyone else said that there goals was to go to university and college or go to law school, i felt like an idiot, i felt like they all had a clue and i had no idea that's when it hit me. i don't care if i go to university, i don't care if i have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a wife or a husband. i don't care about any of that. sure it would be nice. but really. i want to be happy, i want to die happily. i want to tell depressed and suicide teenagers that it does get better in the end. but for now, i don't  really want to move on the particular subject of you, even thought i  probably already have. just know that i do love you. maybe not in the uh uh i want to fuck you kind of be my girlfriend kind of way. i love you in the, you are my best friend i don't want you to be hurt. i don't want to see you like this. i don't think raid nights are more important than you. nothing is more important than you, if only you can realise that its okay not to have a boyfriend, its okay not having someone to touch you. and i want you to know, no amount of German can stop me from know what you truly feel…(Google translate) but anyway. you are special to me, I'm sorry i don't want to date you. but i don't want to see you get hurt.

It was a nightmare like no others.

last night i had an insane and twisted nightmare, the reason it was so horrid was that it was so personal. Before i went to sleep i was writing letters to my friends in victoria and Vernon, so there was nothing out of the ordinary there and i have absolutely no idea what triggered it. here goes:

i was walking around Sobeys and i saw you, you were working. i tried to avoid you by walking down the milk aisle, but you noticed me and waved. i turned my head away, and carried on walking, but you followed me and grabbed my arm. you apologised to me for ignoring me and not talking to me for weeks on end, you apologised for all the things you did that hurt me and i closed my eyes and we were sitting on the steps you were holding my hands. our heads leaned into each other and we were kissing. not a peck this was full on tongue battle. just as it was getting good, you got up and left. you deserted me in the middle of something so perfect. i was confused and hurt. i closed my eyes to help blink the few tears that i had created and when i got up to walk away i found i was walking up Johnson's road. Pippin was running and i was chasing him, we were having the time of our lives. i heard a truck come round the corner and i called pippin back to me, but he was on the other side of the road and the road curved round, and as he was running towards me tongue lolling out the truck picked up speed and crushed his fragile body under the front wheel. The truck drove away and i ran to my puppy and picked him up, he was limp. i held him close but he dissolved and fell through the cracks on the road, i fell on my knee’s and tried to pick him up but he was gone. i hit my head on the road, tears splashed and wetted the concrete. time after time i hit my head until i blacked out. when i opened my eyes again i was at a camp, i knew this place it was lake cartwright.  i was sitting on a log and a little boy was sitting on my lap, i knew who this was he had bright blue eyes and he was giggling. he jumped off my legs and walked towards the water, i tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen. he tripped and hit his head on the dock falling head first in the cold lake. i tried to pick him up but my hands went right through his body, it was as if i turned into a ghost. i tried to call for help but no words escaped my mouth, all i could do was sit and watch him as he breathed in the dirty water. his family was just around the corner setting up tents, oblivious to the tragedy that just happened. i was distraught, what was happening? i looked across the lake and saw my Aunt standing on the water. i glided towards her, but she fell through the water and was sinking. i dived in and i was in her bedroom, she was lying in her bed, she looked exactly how my grandad described her. she was pale and cold, her curly golden hair had thinned and straightened and looked almost grey. her eyes were open and as i stared into them i realised and saw the white moon where her brown iris’s should of been, i realised that she was lifeless. i looked around the room and saw my grandad he was pacing back and forth in front of my uncle who was sitting down with his head in his palms. i ran out of the room, i wanted to get out of this world. i ran to the front door and when i opened it, molly sat there and meowed at me. she got up and started walking away, i followed her down the road. but then she disappeared, she vanished. i looked up at the moon as it rapidly descended but something was different, the sun wasn’t rising. life was fading to black. i carried on walking to try and find molly but eventually the twinkling stars dimmed and it was black. i stood calling out for molly, but she never came back. a street lamp appeared and i was standing exactly where molly disappeared. i looked around and noticed the shadows. shadows of cougars and bears, shadows of trucks and cars, of people with guns of giant spiders and then you appeared as a shadow. they were closing in on me and tried to push them away, but they got closer and closer till they were suffocating me and everything went black once more.

i woke up in a cold sweat, my blanket fort had collapsed on top of me. i was gasping for air, i couldn't breathe. i threw the white sheets off and sat up. what the fuck happened? i was so confused as to why this particular nightmare targeted everything tragic that happened to me this year, why it hit me now when i was finally feeling a little better.

happy?

Not entirely, but i am excited. lets see.

End of September: Scratch magazine!

October:  WORDFEST!!!!!

November: Inheritance!!!!!!!!!!

December: I get to see people i miss dearly right now

January: New Classes and a New Year <<not all that exciting but still very enjoyable.

February: Seems kind of empty…

March: New Zealand?

April: you all come home

May: BAND TRIP!!!!!! MY BIRTHDAY, I GET MY “N” (hopefully)

June: SCHOOL ENDS!!!! HIGHSCHOOL ENDS FOREVER

July: SUMMER

August: SUMMER

September: UNIVERSITY!!!! INDEPENDENCE

and that is the outlook on the next 12 months. i need something amazing to happen in February, but i can work on that.

hmm

i'm feeling rather lonely. what i really need right now is my cat. but its been two weeks and still no sign. so im getting a negative feeling on her return. as if i havent gone through enough shit this year. what else is going to happen? ive got three months left till this year is over. what ever. i just want to ignore everything but i find it so hard. so hard. im losing my mind here.i need a break. a break from this town. a break from life. a break from you. a break from him. a break from this body. a break from my mind. is there a vacation i can take that can satisfy all my needs? certainly not.maybe im over exaggerating. maybe just maybe. the world will end tomorrow. well at least for me.

i hope you pick me.

i want to say “ wake up he aint worth it.” and i want to shout at you screaming, “i was your friend first.” but i wont because i know it hurts you. but guess what. it hurts me. it hurt me when you said this is going to be our last sleep over because HE doesn’t like it. so what if he doesn’t like it. yeh he may be your boyfriend and so what if you guys have dated for 10 months. i was your friend first. i liked you before he did. yeh i might have been to chicken shit to ask you out. and while i was in the process of working up the courage, he jumped ahead of me and beat me to it. you might remember it differently but that is how i remember it. there are many reasons why i don’t like that kid. that was the first. then there was more. and then i went round your house and saw how he treated you. how mad he got at you when you handed him some tac’s BUT there was a safety pin in the handful O.O. and watching him get mad over something so petty. was a slap in the face for me. and then from there. that promise ring he gave you. which you told me you were hesitant to take. and all those talks of marriage. it makes me sick to the stomach.  your fucking 16 you shouldn’t be pressured into dating some ugly as fuck control freak. its not fair. you need to get out date people your own age. have experience and wait. its a big world out there bubbles. there are almost 6.4billion to choose from. you don't have to pick that religious freak from a small town.

so i guess there is no more midnight walks. no more blanket forts then staying up all night watching movies. no more pancake breakfasts. no more staying up till midnight talking in the hot tub. and no more this and no more that. what happens when he says. i don't want you hanging out with Thomas. what will you do then? same thing as always. yes sir no sir three bags full sir. and then there will be no more us. can you imagine that? just think of the rest of high school without me. I'm not being modest or anything. just think. no crazy grad partner, no slippery dog walks down to the beach in the winter. no more running through sprinklers. no more splatter painting or tye dying. no more inside jokes. no more singing Gloria Gaynor at the top of our lungs. no more photo-shoots. no more golf  carting.

i may have a broken family and i personally don't have a car,   but when i am with you i am with you. not playing some fucked up video game.  so… i want to say “ me or him…” but i wont because that is being mean. and i know you are going to read this and it is quite possible that you will be in tears at the end. and i didn't want to upset you i just needed to release steam. but when he asks the question. “me or him?” i hope you pick me.

no swears o.0

go away. get out, you have overstayed your welcome. it is time for you to leave. to leave that place you have occupied in the back of my mind. to go out and enjoy the sun and not be cooped up in my head all day and night. ill be calling the cops if you do not leave. but they will think I’m crazy. am i crazy? are you even real or a creation. a creation of perfection. something i formulated then manipulated till it was immaculate. you and your smile, your chuckle, for you do not laugh. your labyrinth eyes for which i am lost in, once i gaze upon the green and brown swirls.your arms and your shoulders, your legs and your chest. everything about you is…is…there is no word perfect enough. but while i am lost in my body. my mind and my soul.  its is my grieving heart that wakes me from my coma, it wakes me up and slaps me twice. till all i see of you is an asshole. who doesn’t talk to me or anyone anymore. who left without saying goodbye. oooh how i resent that and i will never forget that. and i will always remember that. and i will always think about that. and think about that. and think about that. over and over again and again. until i forget about that. that one incident or was there more before. i don’t remember, why would i remember. i try to remember only the good stuff.and forget about the unsatisfactory. and from here on. i classify you as unsatisfactory and inferior. and i will sleep tonight without you running through my dreams. and i will sleep forever. and you will not once cross my mind. but maybe ill cross yours, and you might remember me.