oh dear

i don't know what to think anymore, it seems the more i go on in my life, the more i think i might have been lying to myself in the past. if you can make any sense on that, good for you. because i don't, nothing makes sense anymore. i kind of wish it did, but who am i to change the way things do or don't make sense. i miss you terribly, i don't know what to think about you, i really don't, i wish i did, and you and you and you and you there i so many you's and people that i love, but what if i don't love them what if its just something that my brain makes up for lack of people i love. i want this to make sense but i know it doesn't. i don't get it anymore. there is going to be an explosion tonight. i really need to cheer up, i have work at 6:45 in the morning. but I'm not complaining because i asked for the shifts, i am freaking out inside. I'm scared. really scared, it hit me and it keeps hitting me, this graduation stuff, i know I'm over reacting, but i cant help it. its all coming to fast. as it is for everyone else, i know. but all i can think of was when i was a child. a younger child, and how big i felt and how small the world was.  but its flipped now and i have realised how small i am and how big the rest of the fucking world is. its overpowering and belittling. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. i feel like i messed up here, but i don't know how i messed up. i let my friend from writing class read my dream…previous post. she looked at me and was like “ is your dog still alive?” i was like no. all this stuff actually happened this year. and she looked at me and was like “wow, i think i might of killed myself if i was you.” i showed her my wrists and we hugged. i don't know why i told her. it felt good to tell someone who had no idea all this was happening. gah. i don't know what I'm trying to say at all really.  i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. i want to give up, but i don't want to be a quitter. maybe this is just a dream and i will wake up and be like. fuck that was a horrid dream. but i know i wont. time to finish reading, the perks of being a wildflower, and ill listen to some sad songs, and i will freak out because i wont want to be late for work, and my dog keeps unplugging the Ethernet chord, and my internet keeps flickering and my sister is talking about my nose, i don't know if she is insulting me or complimenting me. and my brother complimented me on my hair today, but my mum didn't recognize me.  she walked past me twice and looked at me, and when i said mum, she looked at me and realized i was her son. i love my mum, i cant blame her for anything because that would be wrong. Mrs.  McEwen asked me where i would be and what i wanted to be in 10 years time. i told her that i really don't care as long as i was happy. i felt really cheesy in saying that, and when everyone else said that there goals was to go to university and college or go to law school, i felt like an idiot, i felt like they all had a clue and i had no idea that's when it hit me. i don't care if i go to university, i don't care if i have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a wife or a husband. i don't care about any of that. sure it would be nice. but really. i want to be happy, i want to die happily. i want to tell depressed and suicide teenagers that it does get better in the end. but for now, i don't  really want to move on the particular subject of you, even thought i  probably already have. just know that i do love you. maybe not in the uh uh i want to fuck you kind of be my girlfriend kind of way. i love you in the, you are my best friend i don't want you to be hurt. i don't want to see you like this. i don't think raid nights are more important than you. nothing is more important than you, if only you can realise that its okay not to have a boyfriend, its okay not having someone to touch you. and i want you to know, no amount of German can stop me from know what you truly feel…(Google translate) but anyway. you are special to me, I'm sorry i don't want to date you. but i don't want to see you get hurt.